Some day..

Good will overcome evil. Until then, I want to push this video to the forefront. A reminder of a life so beautiful, crushed and then rebounding stronger then ever.

It shall never be forgotten that it is NEVER, under ANY circumstance, OKAY TO SHAKE A BABY!!!!!!!!!!! Shaking a baby shatters lives. Many many lives. I can't stress how much pain we have gone through watching all that Emma has had to endure. So much pain... it still hurts each and every single day to see the damages shaken baby syndrome has caused to my sweet, perfect Emma....

"The only thing necessary for evil to thrive is for good men of conscience to do nothing'"
Edmund Burke

Never forget to be a good citizen, child abuse affects each and every person on our planet. If you suspect ANYTHING call call CALL! Don't say "I don't want to be involved!" Why? If you turn a blind eye and don't protect a child/the elderly/the disabled/our neighbors.. you are just as culpable as the person committing the crime! This has to end.. NOW! Be a good neighbor.

Always remember.. somebody somewhere is fighting a bigger battle then you know. A kind smile, a hello, how are you, or can I help you can go a long, long, long way in somebody's life.... Pay it forward. Kindness, goodness, love, and compassion. We are capable of it. I know it. I know we can be good again. I know I am not perfect, I don't even pretend to be, I am working so hard on being kinder, gentler, and more understanding, compassionate, and loving. We can do it.. just one person can make a huge impact. With the economy, the healthcare and unrest in our world, we are people under stress and uncertainty but there are people dying of hunger who would give anything to have some rice. Some are lonely and would love a hug...

Wow.. how did I get on THAT soapbox?

Throw me some ideas. What can we do? What will YOU do?

I will think of something to do. I am going to keep my eyes open... there is a senior apartment complex near by. Maybe I can make something for somebody and leave a random "just because" gift.

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Seriously...

How much cuter can you get? She is such a happy little thing. My big first grader. Sighh...

The time has come...

The time has come where Emma is starting to be more and more aware of the things that are happening to her, about things that have happened to her and why she is "different".

She talks about her most recent surgery. She knows her head was fixed, although I am not exactly sure what her comprehension level is but she understands. I think more so then I give her credit for. So, today, I was looking at the photos I have of her from a few days after her head injury and her recovery. First she said "Oohhh poor baby! She's sick!". Then she noticed me in the other photos with "the sick baby" and she asked me "what's the baby's name?". I said "Emma". She said "like me?". "No, baby, that IS you. That is you when you were a baby and you had a head injury". (I have told her several times that she had a head injury.). She then asked me a loaded question. "Why?". I just looked at her with my jaw dropped, and tears pooling in my eyes and said "I don't know the answer just yet".

How does a mother look her daughter in her eyes and say "You were abused. You were a normal, healthy, bouncing beautiful baby and you were shaken. Your brain was murdered and your "normal" life was stolen. You were shaken and I can't tell you why because the person who did this will NEVER admit to doing it, let alone why". I don't want to lie to her, but how do you tell your child the truth, when this will be a painful truth. I am not ready to answer this, I need to wait until I think she is ready and can understand the impact of the answer. However, who am I to decide WHEN she is ready? How do I tell her? Is there any way in this world to lessen the heartache? Isn't that what a mom is supposed to do- make the heartache go away, kiss the boo-boo's goodbye?

It boils down to... I don't want to hurt her, but I don't want to lie to her because that will be more painful.

Bah. I am rambling. Remember.. it's NEVER ok to shake a baby!

September 2010, is the 11th International Conference on Shaken Baby Syndrome and it's in Atlanta Georgia this round. I have never been able to attend and I really, really hope I can this time. There are events and special rates for survivors and their families (and families of non-survivors). I am just hoping financially I can swing it. If you know anybody who wants to sponsor a struggling momma raising a child suffering from Shaken Impact Syndrome while going to college, let me know! LOL. Or better yet, let them know! Just kidding, but actually, not really. LOL. I am saving up and hoping to score a job on campus next semester for Work Study, I think that will be easier then working off campus. I really am wanting to go. It's a year away and will allow me time to be able to save up. I am nervous taking Emma on a trip like this, but it may not be as bad as I think. Either ways... Atlanta 2010 HERE WE COME! I just really, really want Emma to start meeting other children who are JUST LIKE HER! To know, she is not alone.

Here's the link to the conference and also, it's a GREAT site with a wealth of information about Shaken Baby Syndrome. National Center on Shaken Baby Syndrome

NEVER Shake a Baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today is a very very sad day. Too many babies are being shaken, some die, many have profound disabilities and some come out with minor disabilities. Why is today extra sad? I just learned that my friend, whom I met through a Shaken Baby Syndrome Support Group, lost her son today. When he was a newborn he was shaken so severely that he was left severely disabled. Today he was a 7th grader. He never learned to walk, talk, and was blind. His basic life was stolen from him as a baby and today, he is gone for good.

This is a strong reminder.. NEVER under any circumstance SHAKE A BABY!!!! Just walk away.

I am in a VERY bad mood right now. I am pissed off at another injustice in this world. He didn't deserve this, his mother didn't deserve this and NO BABY deserves this. His death hits very close to home, we never physically met but over the last 4 years I was able to call his mother friend and I thought of TJ quite often. What should be a joyous time in their lives is now tragedy.

A bloody travesty.

Mmmm Cookies!

Cooked from the heart is hosting an AWESOME giveaway for Pillsbury Simply ...TM. The prize pack includes a canvas bag, a cookie jar, and a coupon for free cookies!! How awesome is that?

Head on over to her blog to enter!
http://www.kitchen.amoores.com/2009/08/09/pilsbury-simplytm-cookies-review-giveaway/

Once again, reminiscing

(6 months old, before injury)

Looks like you have to click on the photos if you want to see them, they are too big for the blog :(
I am. See, I never wanted kids. So when I found out I was pregnant with Emma (despite all the precautions I took), I had planned to give her up for adoption. I was spoiled rotten, I was flighty, irresponsible, not the most patient and loved kids, but for a little while (liked to send them home after I spoiled them). However, when I had her, I fell in love with her and made her a promise. If I felt I couldn't handle her at any moment and couldn't find it in myself to give her what she needed, then I would go back to the adoption agency and give her what I physically and emotionally can't. Obviously, we know what happened :) I have to say, I am proud of myself. I fell head over heels in love with this little girl and am impressed with the direction my life went since I had her.

I am just reminiscing about what she has gone through over the last 5 years and am in jaw dropping awe and the resiliency she has endured. At 11 months of age, she suffered a brutal act of child abuse, Shaken Baby Syndrome with Impact, and had part of her skull and brain removed to save her life. She had to undergo several procedures. She suffered serious brain damage and a stroke and nobody knew if she would ever be anything more then a vegetable. She ended up spending a total of 4 weeks in Pediatric Intensive Care and another 4 weeks in neurological rehab, spending most of her days in therapy. She had to have a feeding tube, wear a helmet, leg and arm braces. She had to learn to sit up, eat, use her arms, hands and legs again. Even smiling. She had to learn to smile again. I lived with her in the hospital. Read to her while she was in a coma. Read to her while she was so exhausted from therapy. I like to think that reading to her is part of what saved her :)
3 days after injury and surgery
(about 15 days after injury)
I had a hard time accepting what happened to her, I went through a huge state of denial believing the person's story that it was an accident. See, believing it was an accident made it easier to deal with my child. I didn't want to think that somebody really picked up my child, shook her and slammed. However, the truth came around. And the anger and sadness helped me heal which in turn helped Emma.
(7 months old, before injury)

Now, that the person has been convicted of Child Abuse and Emma had her skull finally repaired, on July 16th of this year, we have closure. Literally and figuratively. Emma each and every day has shocked me. She is such a smart, loving, incredible, albeit FEISTY child.

YAY!! We're home!

Hi everybody!! Surgery was a success and Emma is doing absolutely, positively wonderful. The photo shows her eyes still very swollen but this morning they went WAY down and she looks great. She has quite a bit of bruising under her eyes on the right side of her head. She is not on any pain meds except Tylenol as needed.

I am exhausted and we are going to have a REAL sleep in OUR OWN BEDS right now and I will catch up much later tonight or even tomorrow!

Big Surgery tomorrow!

Alright my lovely book-loving blogging friends, my daughter's surgery is scheduled at 9:30 am tomorrow (July 16th) and we check in at 7:30 am. It's a 3-5 hour surgery, with a 3-7 day hospital stay. I seriously doubt I will be online much.

Just a few favorites of my daughter:





Until then, take care of yourselves!

Happy Reading!

So excited!

I have launched a book review blog and I couldn't be any more excited! It's still green and ground floor but so, far the few responses have been positive enough to receive brand new books to review! So without further adieu- I present the BookNerdExtraordinaire

Letter from your brain

I just think about Emma's injured brain when I read this:

A Letter From Your Brain



Hello,

I'm glad to see that you are awake! This is your brain talking. I had to find some way to communicate with you. I feel like I barely survived WWIII and am still not quite all in one piece. That's why I need you. I need you to take care of me.

As time passes and you and I feel better and better, people, even doctors, will tell you that we are fine, "it's time to get on with life." That sounds good to me and probably even better to you. But before you go rushing back out into that big wide world, I need you to listen to me, really listen. Don't shut me out. Don't tune me out. When I'm getting into trouble I'll need your help more than I ever have before.

I know that you want to believe that we are going to be the same. I'll do my best to make that happen. The problem is that too many people in our situation get impatient and try to rush the healing process; or when their brains can't fully recover they deny it and, instead of adapting, they force their brains to function in ways they are no longer able too. Some people even push their brains until they seize, and worse... I'm scared. I'm afraid that you will do that to me. If you don't accept me I am lost. We both will be lost.

How can I tell you how much I need you now? I need you to accept me as I am today... not for what I used to be, or what I might be in the future. So many people are so busy looking at what their brains used to do, as if past accomplishments were a magical yardstick to measure present success or failures, that they fail to see how far their brains have come. It's as if here is shame, or guilt, in being injured. Silly, huh?

Please don't be embarrassed or feel guilt, or shame, because of me. We are okay. We have made it this far. If you work with me we can make it even further. I can't say how far. I won't make any false promises. I can only promise you this, that I will do my best.

What I need you to do is this: because neither of us knows how badly I've been hurt (things are still a little foggy for me), or how much I will recover, or how quickly, please go s-l-o-w-l-y when you start back trying to resume your life. If I give you a headache, or make you sick to your stomach, or make you unusually irritable, or confused, or disoriented, or afraid, or make you feel that you are overdoing it, I'm trying to get your attention in the only way I can. Stop and listen to me.

I get exhausted easily since being hurt, and cannot succeed when overworked. I want to succeed as much as you do. I want to be as well as I can be, but I need to do it at a different pace than I could before I got hurt. Help me to help us by paying attention and heeding the messages I send to you.

I will do my part to do my very best to get us back on our feet. I am a little worried though that if I am not exactly the same... you will reject me and may even want to kill us. Other people have wanted to kill their brains, and some people have succeeded. I don't want to die, and I don't want you to die.

I want us to live, and breath and be, even if being is not the same as it was. Different may be better. It may be harder too, but I don't want you to give up. Don't give up on me. Don't give up on yourself. Our time here isn't through yet. There are things that I want to do and I want to try, even if trying has to be done in a different way. It isn't easy. I have to work very hard, much harder, and I know that you do too. I see people scoff, and misunderstand. I don't care. What I do care about is that you understand how hard I am working and how much I want to be as good as I can be, but I need you to take good care of us, as well as you can do that.

Don't be ashamed of me. We are alive. We are still here. I want the chance to try to show you what we are made of. I want to show you the things that are really important in life. We have been given another chance to be better, to learn what is really important. When it is finally time for our final exit I would like to look back and feel good about what we made of us and out of everything that made up our life, including this injury. I cannot do it without you. I cannot do it if you hate me for the way being injured has affected me and our life together. Please try not to be bitter in grief. That would crush me.

Please don't reject me. There is little I can do without you, without your determination to not give up. Take good care of us and of yourself. I need you very much, especially now.

Love,

your wounded brain

http://www.waiting.com/letter.html

Pretty Emma! June 14, 2009